


Where the Lover Never Leaves

by gamerfic



Category: Mass Effect Trilogy
Genre: Afterlife, Canon Compliant, Control Ending, Dialogue Heavy, F/M, Fridge Horror, Memories, Post-Canon
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-19
Updated: 2016-07-19
Packaged: 2018-07-25 09:57:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,867
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7528234
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/gamerfic/pseuds/gamerfic
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Past the borders of known space, at the heart of the Reaper fleet, the artificial intelligence that was once Commander Shepard dreams of a drell standing at the shoreline of an infinite ocean.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Where the Lover Never Leaves

Past the borders of known space, at the heart of the Reaper fleet, the artificial intelligence that was once Commander Shepard dreams of a drell standing at the shoreline of an infinite ocean.

"You seem distracted, siha," Thane Krios says as the surf swirls around his ankles.

"Something's wrong with the Harsa Relay." Shepard is staring up into the depths of the night sky. Most of the processing power granted to her by the Crucible and its Catalyst is taken up with directing the Reapers, monitoring their activities, deploying them to the systems most in need of reconstruction in the aftermath of the war. Just enough idle subroutines remain to allow some portion of her consciousness to dream of this place and to have this conversation, as she has done so many times before, and will do again. "And the locals in the system aren't making things any easier. Some of those planets didn't get the memo about the war being over. They won't stop shooting at me."

"After what the Reapers did to the batarians, I can hardly blame them," says Thane. He already knows what Shepard is telling him. He already knows everything she knows.

"I suppose you're right." She turns to him and takes his hands in hers, just like she used to when they sat in the Normandy's life support compartment with a table and an impending suicide mission laid out between them. This, too, is irrelevant - just one line of code imagining how it might reach for another if both of them were embodied again. He lets her do it anyway. "I wonder if this would be any easier if I'd chosen to do it differently."

"We've spoken of this many times before," says Thane gently. "Your decision was perfectly rational."

Shepard sighs. "Clearly, the batarians don't agree."

"And does their reaction make you regret your choice?"

"No. Destroying anything with Reaper code would have been the same as genocide. And synthesis...I couldn't impose that upon billions of sentient beings, no matter what the Catalyst said. All the choices were bad. This was the best one." She's so close to him now that he can't help remembering the taste of her mouth on his, so different from a drell's yet still so right. "I save my regret for other things."

In a flash he's caught in the grip of a memory, images and impressions spilling out of him unbidden. _"Window shades drawn shut against the glare from the Presidium. The scent of her skin, finally stronger than the smell of sickness and disinfectant. My heart hammers in my chest. Arashu, I beg you, just one last time let me be Whole. Siha above me, now her hand resting lightly on my chest. Her lips on mine, pressing, tasting."_

Thane trails off as the thought fades in prominence. But Shepard's memory is now just as eidetic as his own, and she picks up where he left off. _"Venom on my tongue, fogging my senses. Sweet and bitter, like him. Smooth small scales beneath my fingertips. His hands anchoring my hips against his. A chill down my spine. I want him. I don't want to hurt him. I meet his eyes, flat black, full of need. My own face reflected in their depths. He pulls me closer, speaks against my neck. A low thrum at the place where my pulse throbs."_

They both speak Thane's remembered words as one. _"Don't be afraid, siha. I am not so fragile."_

He moves to embrace her, and she leans into the circle of his arms. Her hair, or at least the memory of it, tickles the sensitive skin at his throat. "Is this your regret, siha? Returning to witness my decline?"

"You know it isn't. I regret not having more memories like that one."

She tilts her head up to kiss him and he captures her lips with his own. It's irrelevant to ask how long they spend this way; time means little in this place. But eventually, Thane realizes that Shepard's attention is divided again, that most of her all-but-infinite mind is back to running algorithms and calculations. She knows he's noticed, and pulls away from him with a lopsided smile. "Sorry. Same relay, acting up again. I talked the batarians into standing down, but now something's wrong with the primary mass effect field generators. Nothing works like I expect it to after the Crucible fired. And one of the Reapers I sent to do the repairs keeps trying to wander off."

"Why?"

"I have no idea. Even after everything I've learned, they're still a mystery to me half the time. Maybe in a few centuries I'll figure it out."

Softly, he speaks the truth they've both been trying to ignore. "It's becoming more difficult to control them, isn't it, siha?"

Almost imperceptibly, Shepard nods. "I should have known the Illusive Man was full of shit, right?"

"You are not the Illusive Man."

"I've been trying to tell myself that since the beginning. He wanted so badly to empower humanity that he lost sight of everything else. His obsession let the Reapers take control of him, in the end. But I worry all the time that I'm no different. Did I get so focused on saving the galaxy at any price that I played right into their plan?"

"Their plan was to destroy all organic life. I doubt you will direct them toward the same purpose."

"Of course not. But I can't help feeling like I didn't really break the cycle."

"But you did. No other civilization ever constructed the Crucible before. Now that ours has, who can say how this cycle will play out?"

"And there's the exact problem. What I'm doing has never been tried. It's just as likely to usher in galactic peace as it is to fail miserably. And it's on _me_ and no one else to make sure I use this power wisely, from now until the end of time. What if I abuse it? With every Reaper in the galaxy under my command, how would I even know if I'd become a tyrant?"

"That's where I come in."

Shepard's face is grim and determined. She embraces Thane again, tighter and more fiercely this time. He's known ever since he first came to consciousness in this strange digital afterlife that he is not precisely real, not anymore. Then again, neither is Shepard. This program, with its crashing ocean and endless deserted beach and starry sky and relentlessly honest self-examination, is the last remnant of the battered, bleeding human who stood before an ancient AI and chose the future of all life. His job now is to remind her of the woman who made the choice, to guide her back to the same path that led her here to begin with.

"You are many things," continues Thane, "but I have never known you to be selfish or cruel. Many in your position would have abused their privileges for their own benefit, but you never did. Every decision you made was in pursuit of peace, for the sake of the many. There is no one in the galaxy I trust more to use the Reapers' power for good."

"I want to believe you," says Shepard.

"Please do."

"I'm trying." She sighs into his shoulder. "But I think I'm less afraid of losing myself and more afraid of losing control."

"You mean you fear the Reapers reverting to their old programming."

She nods. "Like you said, the Crucible's power has never been tested. It has to have limits. I don't like to imagine what will happen when I encounter them."

"When you do, I know you well enough to know you've already planned for it."

"I have." With a faint smile, Shepard snakes an arm free of Thane's affectionate grasp. She extends her palm, and a bright sphere of blue light kindles in midair just above her outstretched hand. "Liara was right. It's important to carry our knowledge forward into the next cycle. I've been compiling everything we learned - the specifications for the Crucible, the history of the war. And everything the Catalyst told me, too. If the Reapers escape my control, I'll see to it that future generations don't repeat our mistakes - _my_ mistakes. If it comes to that, I've left beacons all across the galaxy so others will know what needs to be done."

"Like the Protheans."

"Exactly - but mine will be less cryptic."

Thane chuckles and kisses the top of Shepard's head. "One can only hope."

"The Catalyst said synthesis between organics and synthetics was inevitable. It might have been lying, but in case it wasn't, at least the galaxy will be prepared for it. If everyone knows what might be asked of them, maybe the person who meets the Catalyst after me will be able to say they chose synthesis on everyone's behalf. Until then, I'll keep fighting. I'll try to do as much good as I can for as long as I can."

"I would expect no less of you."

She rests her head against his chest and gazes up at the stars once more. "I'm glad you're here with me, Thane."

"Siha, there is nowhere I would rather be."

Shepard smiles. "Is this what you thought it would be like? 'The distant shore of the infinite spirit?'"

"That's not what I think this place is," says Thane, surprising both of them.

"What do you mean?"

"I don't know what part of me survived, here with you. Clearly, it is not my body. Neither would my faith consider it my soul. Unless I'm wrong, my soul is in the afterlife now."

"I'm sorry to have kept you here," murmurs Shepard.

"You did nothing of the sort. I am needed here. I am content to allow this part of myself to continue to be used as a tool, while my soul goes to its reward."

_"Where the traveler never tires, the lover never leaves, the hungry never starve…"_

"Precisely."

"Once you told me you'd meet me across the sea. If so, maybe I should revise my apology. I'm sorry for making you wait at the shore for me."

"Also unnecessary."

"How so?"

"From here, I can't know what's happening in the afterlife, of course. But I choose to believe there are parts of us the Reapers cannot touch. The Catalyst may have used your thoughts and memories to build an entity capable of taking control, but it could not have taken your soul. Instead, I choose to believe Kalahira sent your soul to mine after you abandoned your body. In the place the scriptures speak of, you and I are finally at peace together. Or so I tell myself."

"I think I'll choose to believe it, too. Maybe when this is over, we'll be lucky enough to join them."

Thane takes Shepard's hand again, and they turn and walk together into the endless sea. The dark waves mirror the galaxies overhead, all their stars spinning and swirling, ceaseless and unending. Shepard keeps calculating, building, preparing, planning, dreaming. The cycle keeps turning, with or without her. Some part of her is still trying to figure out how to escape it.


End file.
